Jokes

 

"I have an idea for a joke."                                                                                     "Here's my joke!"


 

Rated for your reading pleasure!

 


 

First, let's start a list of jokes that are so old and mundane they should be removed from our lexicon immediately:

"Working hard or hardly working?" That was old by the sixth time heard it. I think I was ten.

"Are you walking the dog or is the dog walking you?" Please, pet owners, aren't you tired of this stupid joke yet?

If you have another non-joke send it to us and we'll bury it in the graveyard.

 


 

GEE

 

Report From The Floor

I wrote this for writing class back in '97

 


 

It takes me a half an hour to walk my dog. It takes him three and a half.

(It might take a while to get this one. Do the math!)

---

We've all heard of M.A.D.D., Mothers Against Drunk Driving...but have you heard of D.A.M.?...

Mothers Against Dyslexia?

---

If the Coast Guard encountered a boat where Michael Phelps didn't have a life jacket,

would they make him put one on?

 ---

Socrates said, "To be is to do."

Plato said, "To do is to be."

Sinatra said,"Do be do be do."

---

How do you catch a rabbit? 

Hide behind a tree and make lettuce sounds.
---

Why do we have feet?

So our legs don’t fray at the end.

 ---

Two psychiatrists were walking toward each other in a hallway. 

As they approached, one psychiatrist said to the other psychiatrist, he said, "Hello."

As they continued on the other psychiatrist thought to himself, "Hmm - I wonder what he meant by that?"

 ---

If a person was actually born in a barn does that give them a lifetime excuse to leave doors open?

 ---

If a radio signal is transmitted and there isn't a reciever to translate it, does it make a sound? 

 ---


 

Government at All Levels

 

A man was sitting on his country house porch when he noticed a pick-up truck far down the road and inching toward him. It stopped every twenty feet or so and then started up again. When the man could see exactly what they were doing at each stop, he saw that the bed of the truck was filled with saplings. He saw the driver get out of the truck, grab a shovel from the bed and dig a hole on the side of the road. He then put the shovel back in the bed of the truck and got back behind the wheel. A minute later another man got out of the passenger side door, grabbed the shovel and filled the hole back in. They continued on every twenty feet until they reach the front gate of the house of the man observing all this.

“What are you guys doing?”

“We're from the county. We're on a job to help beautify the highways with these trees but the guy who was supposed to put the trees in the holes called in sick.”

 

 


 


 

 


 

Spelcheck

Author Unknown

 

*If you're an avid speller, this one's for you!...

 

The Hague, Netherlands - Reuters 

11 July 2017

The European Union commissioners have announced that an agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as Euro-English (Euro for short). In the first year, 's' will be used instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard 'c' will be replaced with 'k.' Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced by 'f'. This will make words like 'fotograf' 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent'e's in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go. 

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' by 'z' and 'W' by 'V'. During ze fifz year, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou', and similar changes vud of kors; be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil b no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru.

- author unknown
 

 




One Day in a Bar

author unknown

So a C, an E-flat and a G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.

A D comes in and heads for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second." Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, "Get out! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."

 
E-Flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "you're looking sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be a major development." Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural. Eventually, C, who had passed out under the bar the night before, begins to sober up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest.

So, C goes to trial, is convicted of contributing to the diminution of a minor and sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an up scale correctional facility. The conviction is overturned on appeal, however, and C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.

The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, the soprano out in the bathroom and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest and closes the bar.

 


 

English is a Crazy Language

by Charlie Indelicato

(I don't know who that is yet. Thanks Charlie!)

 

 

Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant

nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meats.

 

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that

quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is

neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

 

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't

groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the

plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index,

2 indices?

 

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you

comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch

of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

 

If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats

vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps

you bote your tongue?

 

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum

for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and

play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that

run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?

 

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and

wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while

quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell

one day and cold as hell another.

 

Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are

absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a

sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who

was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those

people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?

 

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house

can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out

and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.

 

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the

creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That

is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are

out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but

when I wind up this essay, I end it.


 

In Spain...

 

I once worked with a man who was from Spain. I asked him if they call them “Spanish olives” or just “olives.” He laughed and said “just olives.”

That got me wondering how other places call the things they are named for.

It's true that a person from England will call an English muffin just - a muffin.

Most of us saw the scene in the movie where the Mexican Lead says “Here we just call it a stand off.”

In Belgium they just call them waffles.

In France they just call them fries.

In Scotland they just call it whisky.  (as often as possible)

In Canada they just call it bacon.

In Switzerland they just call it cheese.

In Mexico they just call them jumping beans.

In Wales they just call it Rarebit.

In California they just call it the Sun.

In France they just call it bread.

In Germany they just call it Chocolate Cake.

   (But how did the coconut get in there? Not indigenous.)

In Belgium they just call them chocolates.

In Switzerland they just call it “Miss Instant Cocoa Mix.”

In New York they just call it Cheesecake.

In Boston they just call it Cream Pie.

In New England they just call it Clam Chowder.

In Manhattan they're not sure what they have.

In Kentucky they just call it Bourbon.

In Georgia they just call them Peaches.

In Belgium they just call it Endive.

In Idaho they just call them Potatoes.

In Washington they just call them Apples.

In San Francisco they just call it Sourdough.

In Chicago they just call it a Hot Dog.

In London they just call it Fog.

In Los Angeles they just call it Smog.

In San Diego they just call it The Chicken.

In Austin they just call it City Limits.

In China they just call them Restaurants.

In Greco Rome they just call it Wrestling.

In Thailand they just call them Sticks.

In Siam they just call them twins. (Though now they should be called "Thai Twins.")

 


 

Here are some one-liners I found in an old file.

(I don't recall how I came about these in the first place so the author(s) are unknown.

There's a lot of Steven Wright in them.)

 

Atheism is non-prophet organization

Give me ambiguity or give me something else

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

How does the teflon stick to the pan?

How many of you believe in telekenisis, raise my hand.

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

I tried sniffing coke once but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

I used to have a handle on life, and then it broke.

I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

If yo choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

Save the whales, collect the whole set.

Support bacteria, they're the only culture some people have.

The early bird may get the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

 

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

 

There are three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

What happens if you get scared to death twice?

 

Why isn't "phonetic" spelled the way it sounds?

 

Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

 

 


 

PEE GEE 13

author unknown


 

-----

A blond is driving along when she is pulled over by the police. The officer, also blond, asks for the driver’s ID. The driver pulls out a compact from her purse, flips it open, looks in the mirror and declares, “This is me.” as she hands the compact to the officer. The officer looks in the mirror and says, “Oh, I didn’t know you were a cop. Go on ahead.”

-----

Yo mamma's so fat when she dances the band skips.

-----

She's so ugly she looks like a modern art masterpiece.

-----

IRONY: Getting married on Independence Day.

-----

 

That's Guts!

author unknown

The four top officers in their respective branches of the military got together for some male bonding. The Army, AirForce, Navy, and Marines. As the drinks flowed the Top General of the Army stood up and declared,"The Army has the most guts of all the whole military!"

The other three egged him on to prove it.

Come over to our base and I'll show you what guts is. So they head on over. Troops are drilling up and down the fields. Tanks are rolling thunderously in tight manuevers. The General says, "Watch this...Soldier jump in front of that tank." The soldier dutily follows trhe order and jumps in front of the tank only to get smashed to smitherines. "Now that's guts!" The other three agree but...

The top Admiral in the Navy perks up and says, "You come onto one of our aircraft carriers and I'll show you what guts is." They arrive on the deck and fighter jets are catapulting off one side of the tarmak and fighter jets are landing in a screeching halt from the other side of the tarmak. "Swabby! Lay down in front of this jet that's about to land." He lays down and the planes cuts him right in half.

The top Air Force dude is not phased. "I'll take you up tp ten thousand feet and I'll define guts!" They go up and the General says to an airman without a parachute..."Jump out of this plane without a parachute." He jumps out and splats to the ground. The general says "Now that's guts!"

The head of the Marines by this time is feeling a little worried. All these guys had lots of guts. But he keeps a strong face and hopes for the best. They get to the Marine base. As they're walking around the grounds the other three are egging him on..."C'mon, show us what you got." "Where's this guts you say you have?"

They eventually come across a flag pole that sits a hundred feet high. Nothing but concrete undeneath. A soldier is painting the little red ball on top. The General tilts his head back and yells, "Soldier?"  "Yes Sir?"  "Jump off this flagpole." "You want me to fall to the ground sir?"
"Yes, and that's an order!" The soldier flashes the general the finger and yells, "Fuck you!"

"Now That's Guts!"

 


 

ARR

Why did (enter male friend's name here) cross the road?

Because his dick was still in the chicken.

 

 

ECKS

wait for it.....

 

 

Got a good one to add? Send it through the Contact Us page.

First one to submit each joke gets the credit.

 

 

All content Copyright 2013-2018 Mark S. Van Hise All rights reserved.

 

Bad Baxter Television

For No Particular Reason




TTWS